Playing What Makes You Radiant Inside

Tags

Bad Company, bass playing, Beatles, CCR, challenges, hurdles, inner radiance, intention, Journey, kicking perfectionism in the rump, Led Zeppelin, motivation, only child, play from the heart, rock n roll, Wings

       I’ve been reading an awful lot lately- “Ing” and “Miracles Now” by Gabrielle Bernstein,along with “Quantum Success” by Sandra Anne Taylor. (That last one is answering why I’m having such a time lately!) 

       Self realizations have been bounding in as well as lane changes in my life,partially due to the grand cross astrological event that has been happening over this Spring season. Research has shown me to be a generation X-er,which is bliss to me cause I never fit in with the description of being a Boomer. Then it gets rich. 

       It’s walked me into the reality that I really am a bass player (ever notice you doubt your authenticity when you’re not “doing” what you feel a “true musician” should be doing?) and am happiest when playing rock music,tho I have a deep love of other genres and instruments. I’m no longer into metal and haven’t been in years. And to clarify,I’ve always consider Led Zeppelin rock,not metal.  So I decided to redo myself to reflect who I am now. In the past I’d learn tunes to show off my bass playin prowess-which made me feel like I was playing an intense video game that I was just trying to “get thru”. (I wasn’t having fun doing that) In essence,I realized my playing has centered for years on getting other musicians approval….I’d played to impress other musicians instead of playing tunes that made me feel radiant inside,because most of those tunes are simpler. This came from when I was playin in the 80’s and auditioning others as I felt that in being a chick and being petite I had to prove myself to the “big boys”. Bear in mind I was in my 20’s then but that mindset can follow you forever if you’re not aware of it. I finally had this realization whisper to me a couple of years ago….but it took a year or to for me to hear it loud & clear and actually comprehend it.  

    So a few days ago I decided to do a lane change. No more complicated tunes for the mere sake of showing that I can do it. I’m only playing tunes that make me feel radiant inside…..like Beatles,Journey,Wings,Led Zeppelin,etc. Another odd thing is that I notice when I play bass,I lose weight tho my eating habits are no different,and no,I’m not bouncing off walls or anything,I’m usually sitting as I’m going thru a tune book to see the chord changes,etc. And a half hour a night is OK. Whatever gets done,gets done. No more marathon playing just to show that I can,”even tho I’m a girl”. Making a drummer either screw up cause they couldn’t keep up with me or forcing them to take a break first seemed to be a mandatory ritual I’d have to do for a drummer to think I was worthy of playing next to. (I HATED doing that!)  

     Another source of inspiration is in listening to radio interviews of a drummer/vocalist who has been thru very similar life events as myself…….mine being an only child,divorcing,speed shift to taking care of mom during her final health crisis till her passing.( 24-7 caregiving for a year and a half) Orthopedic issues/repair work,other losses,pulling back to heal physically and soulfully,getting it together enough to begin walking forward again….and not just in the physical sense.

   I won’t mention names,but it gets to be uncanny. Only thing he didn’t go thru was the divorce…sad to say his relationship ended seemingly prematurely.  A one time member of one of those bands whose music made me feel radiant.(and still does)  And I don’t believe anyone understands an only child who’s walked this sort of path of personal loss and the inner chaos that comes with it as does one who is also an only child and has walked a similar path. A lot of those blessed with siblings have no idea how good they’ve got it. 

   Back to playing what makes you radiant inside. Is it bands or styles that you feel wouldn’t be readily accepted by others? Do it anyway. Nothing wrong with switching genres. I’ve found in recent years metal grinds on my nerves where I loved it when I was in my 20’s. So I’ve went back to the style of music that I dug before I went into the metal thing of my youth. That includes Bad Company,CCR,Free,and so on. And don’t feel you need to play “for hours” daily. Quality,not quantity,matter the most. If you get 30 min in a day or night,so be it. Enjoy it. Nurture that radiant self. Make a radiant to you songlist and ipod file. Learn those tunes that speak to you! 

    

 

Coming Full Circle-Getting Shiny Again-A New Cycle of Re Greening Myself

Tags

7 string guitar, angels, Arthurian, Beatles, Buddha, Cerridwen, Doreen Virtue, Dreams, E2, Fairies, Fisher King, Goddess, Healing, inner healing, Ipod, Jean Shineda Bolen, Pagan, regreening, rock guitar lessons, surrender, The Universe, The Wasteland, Wings, women in rock

        The reason I haven’t written in so long is that I was going thru a period of growth and angst. Certain things in my life that I’ve worked towards just haven’t panned out the way I had hoped,and I’ve been working with letting go of things that aren’t working for me,inwardly and outwardly. At the same time,I have continued to delve into my ever growing library of self help/growth books. Finances have been a pressure,and I’ve been dreading this tax season as it’s the first one in which I have been self employed…..and it hasn’t went well. It appears music books are not really in demand. I have kept affirming that “I’m where I’m supposed to be” right now and knowledge that I am changing and growing-and remembering a lot that had gotten covered over with negative memories where my love of certain things,like rock music,have been concerned. The healing began with……

A dream. I have a deep love of all things Arthurian,and in this dream I was looking at myself in the mirror-I was wearing shorts (which I never do in waking life) and I could see a long incision that was closed on my left thigh. A voice told me that I was healed now,I just needed to let the incision heal up and get to walking again. Upon waking,I knew what the dream meant-on some deep level,I had a soul healing of some sort-the time in the wasteland was over and now the landscape would be green and growing again.(This dream was totally Arthurian in theme) The left side had to do with my feminine side,issues concerning my mother (who passed 12 years ago) and my own inner Mother,which over the past several years had turned to stone and had turned fearful and self isolated. I was,as Jean Shineda Bolen calls it,turned into a “Stone Mother”. I knew this and have worked over the past several years to open up,to become,as she calls it “juicy” again,green with growth and life…..both inner and outer. A sense of relief and wonder has enveloped me ever since waking the morning after that dream. 

I have in previous posts written of the painful times that caused me to pretty much walk away from my electric guitar and bass playing,so I won’t replay that here. I have dipped my toe in the waters on occasion but had felt it painful and fear crept in of accidently inviting more disaster. So I went into acoustic instruments-ukulele,banjo,fiddle,mandolin (which I teach) which all in their own way helped with the healing tho I was unaware of it. 

I had also noticed if I got interested in a guy romantically,I’d start dipping into playing my bass and guitar again-and then set it down when the disappointment of “he’s not going to date you” set in. I knew that “impressing” a guy with my musical abilities was not the way to go,and it never got to a point where I played for them anyway. This also led to negative blocks associated with my playing rock. I was letting “ego” lead. Big mistake.

Thru reading Doreen Virtue books and working with her decks of oracle cards,I realised it was key for me to “feel safe” in doing anything. Music,whatever,I must feel safe-ie that everything is taken care of,no disaster will befall me,that I am secure in whatever life events happen along the way. As long as I felt this sense of being safe I could take baby steps forward in my own life. My reading about Fairies helped me reunite with my Pagan self-and it suddenly felt like a missing chunk of me had returned. I felt empowered for the first time in several years. Not invincible mind you,but empowered…..like I had retuned myself to the right note,as it were. I had,last August,in working with the book E2,bid on a statue of Cerridwen and manifested the funds to pay for it-and while I had thought that perhaps the Goddess was ignoring me,I don’t believe now this was the case.    I’ve been going thru a very deep initiation process much like Gwydion,who stirs the brew she had made for her son,and unintentionally tastes the brew when it splatters on his hand. Cerridwen then takes after Gwydion,and tho he has the ability to shape shift,he hides,perhaps sticking his head in the sand,so to speak. In this act of surrender,She devours him disguised as a piece of grain,in which he is reborn as Taliesin.  

In my own ways over the years,I had been shifting from this to that,ducking here,ducking there,in an effort to avoid things I really didn’t want to face within and outside of myself. Before the healing dream I had finally,being exhausted of this activity over several years,surrendered to the Universe and said “take me,my life,and transform it/myself to what it should be” and removed my ego from it entirely. I had in fact,handed everything over to the Universe and said “I’m weary of trying to handle all this-take my fears,my burdens,and let them be carried away for transmutation….let me serve as I have incarnated to do”. I asked for help from the Angels on this as well as the Fae. WIthout realizing it till very recently,I have gone thru (or am going thru) a Cerridwen initiation. And it feels wonderful to stop running. 

Last weekend I had the house to myself-and I felt the odd urge to watch my DVD of the Beatles “Help!” which I did,tho part of my mind was saying “you should be doing…..” I chose to ignore that voice. It was wonderful to lighten up,to feel the great energy of the music,which was so unlike what I was into during the 80’s. This was music that existed for the pure joy of it-not to be “tough” or “intimidating” or to project oneself as a “force to be reckoned with”. This was highly energized music that just made you plain feel good. And it resonated deep within me. 

I started playing Beatles tunes on my electric violin and my acoustic viola,and then last night got out my electric 7 string and was backing the Beatles up as I played along with songs on my Ipod. I remembered this was the kind of rock music I had dreamed of playing when I was a little girl and took up guitar at 11……before I got into the heavy metal movement of the 80’s…..which really never fit me. It was then I started burying myself and covering the golden buddha within with mud to “fit in”. (I do not mean this as a bash against heavy metal music,BTW) I felt I had to lie to potential band member and agree with their thinking that “The Beatles were the dark ages of music” which went completely against what I felt-I loved them and Wings,along with Elton John,Led Zeppelin,and rock tunes that had orchestras in it. (Yes Virginia,a lot of the metallers of the 80’s were anti Beatles 😦 ) 

So I have decided to return to my Beatle loving good energy rock n roll,along with my love of retro 60’s-70’s clothing & jewelry. Last night was the first night in many years that I could play without having negative memories of poisonious playmates or events come up……nor did any fears arise that I may attract more chaos in my life by doing so. It suddenly felt very energizing and right. I might even start teaching women/girls rock guitar again!